When Grief Shows Up at the Holidays
Cherilyn Schutze MEd., LPC
THIS TIME OF YEAR CAN BRING UP MANY DIFFERENT EMOTIONS FROM JOY TO HEARTACHE. UNFORTUNATELY, GRIEF IS ONE OF THOSE EMOTIONS THAT CAN RE- APPEAR DURING THE HOLIDAYS.
Holidays are usually about family, traditions, and memories. So it’s only natural that with that can come both joy and sadness. Memories of holidays past with our loved ones who are no longer with us can be painful. It’s important to remember that the pain of missing the one who is gone is often about longing for what was and can no longer be, combined with the shared love and connection we had and still have.
I know all too well the pain of grief and how it can seemingly be out of sight out of mind, only to pop up when you least expect it. Having lost my husband to cancer 9 years ago, I still have times where the longing, missing and sadness creep in. It can be triggered by a song, a smell, a memory, a tv show, a life event, and even the holidays. The good news is that the sadness doesn’t stick around when I let myself feel it.
In an essay I wrote for The Mighty called My Partnership With Grief I talked about how grief can be silent for long periods of time and then hit seemingly out of the blue. I learned that grief doesn’t really end. It hides for a while-sometimes for months at a time, even years for some people, but it always comes back for a visit, especially if it isn’t allowed some space to begin with. Sometimes I can hear grief coming, whispering quietly in the background, giving me gentle warnings. Other times it sneaks up from behind without warning, like a tidal wave knocking me off my feet. The unpredictability of grief is one of the things that isn’t talked about in our society, but there can be some predictability if we recognize that grief is a lifelong process and that certain times of the year like birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays, or things like songs, scents, places, etc can activate it. Knowing that can be helpful when grief creeps back in.
I’VE LEARNED THAT EMBRACING MY GRIEF, INSTEAD OF FIGHTING AGAINST IT, CAN BE HEALING AND COMFORTING.
There are actually healing hormones in tears, so allowing yourself to feel the feelings, cry if you feel like it, and let yourself move through it is actually a form of self-care. Grief expert David Kessler, says our bodies are built for grief. We will all experience it at some point in our lives. So recognizing that and giving yourself and your body permission to do what it was made for is important for healing and moving forward.
Feeling grief is not a sign of weakness or that you aren’t “over it”. Grief is a partner in life, once it’s introduced itself to you. There are times when grief is a teammate— it has moments where it’s really helpful, releasing pent-up pain and healing tears. Other times, it’s an adversary— not consulting you —making choices for you. That’s the roller coaster of grief. Most of us have heard the saying that grief is like the ocean and you have to learn to ride the waves. The more we move with the waves, the easier it becomes to surf. It’s been 9 1/2 years since my husband died. Early in my grief, I expected that I would have been or “should” have been “over” my grief by now. But what I’ve learned is that grieving is a lifelong process; that it’s healthy to grieve and that I can do it any way I need to. There is no rulebook or right or wrong way to grieve (except of course, not doing it at all). I’ve learned I only have to allow myself the space to feel. The grief I carry is something that will be with me for the rest of my life. I have moved through grief, but will never get to the end. It isn’t something one “gets over”. It’s something one goes through. Grief is a reminder of the deep love I shared with my husband and will always have. David Kessler says that when a loved one dies the relationship changes, but the love you have for that person will always be there. So if you are struggling with grief this holiday season, finding that you are judging yourself, or wondering why you are or aren’t feeling a certain way, remember to give yourself grace and space. Your body knows what to do if you let it. Holidays can be joyful and difficult at the same time. One can have conflicting feelings- it’s dialectical. We can have opposing emotions at the same time.
Remember grief is a manifestation of love, so love yourself as you remember your loved one this year. Grief and love are partners too.
“We know that the reality is that your grief doesn’t get smaller, but you get bigger.”
–David Kessler
If you or someone you know is struggling with grief please reach out. I would be honored to walk your grief journey alongside you.
