CoDependency
by Cherilyn Schutze
MEd., LPC, CCATP, CGC, EMDR Trained, DNMS Trained
2-minute read
CODEPENDENCY IS THE SUBCONSCIOUS (OR CONSCIOUS) FEELING THAT IF YOU’RE OK, I’M OK. IT IS A CYCLE OF FOCUSING ON ANOTHER PERSON’S NEEDS, FEELINGS AND BEHAVIORS AT THE EXPENSE OF YOUR OWN.
When we take on, or own other people’s feelings, thoughts, and/or behaviors, we are at risk of being or becoming codependent. In her book, The Language of Letting Go- Daily Meditations on Codependency, Melody Beattie talks about “Property Lines”, which is basically the knowledge of what is ours to own and what we need to let go of in order to maintain healthy boundaries and relationships.
What I’ve noticed in my work is that many of us have a tendency to want to protect or prevent others from negative feelings, thoughts and behaviors, with the hope that it will prevent us from experiencing negative feelings in return. The truth is, it doesn’t work like that. When people are codependent, they often suffer with anxiety, low self esteem and unhealthy relationships. In addition, it is common to feel guilt when it’s not warranted, and/or feel responsible for others’ words, thoughts and/or actions. These things are not ours to own. It is imperative to set healthy boundaries in our relationships by detaching from ownership. In order to detach, we must learn to “identify who owns what. We let each person own or possess his or her rightful property”* –meaning feelings, problems, destructive behaviors, negativity, manipulation and control.
WHAT CAN WE DO TO PREVENT OR CHANGE CODEPENDENT BEHAVIORS?
The first step is to develop an awareness of when you are owning someone’s “property.” Notice when you are more concerned about what others are thinking, feeling and doing, than you are about your own well being.
The second step is to pay attention to your feelings of guilt and ask yourself if it is truly warranted. Feeling guilty is usually an internal signal that we’ve done something wrong. However, oftentimes, we mislabel our uncomfortable feelings, insecurity and anxiety about others’ reactions, as guilt. When we are honest with ourselves and others, we can set healthy boundaries with love and recognize what is truly guilt and what is codependency. This insight and action is called “detaching with love.” We must let people own their behaviors, guilt, happiness, misery, etc.
Everyone has a choice. Sometimes we must be reminded of that. We have a choice to engage with others’ negativity or to step back and let them have it.
“Other people’s choices are their property not ours.”
– Melodie Beattie
Healthy boundaries are good for everyone. Brene’ Brown reminds us that “Clear is kind.” Think about that. Would you rather know what is expected, be clear with others and have them be clear with you so there is no confusion, or would you rather assume and own other peoples’ “stuff “ at the expense of your mental well being and your relationships? Healthy relationships are worth the work to have clarity and a strong sense of what is yours to own and what’s not. This is not the same as not caring about others. Setting boundaries helps you and those you care about. If you find yourself taking ownership of someone else’s issues, feelings, and behaviors, let go. They aren't yours to hold on to. You will find that you have a much clearer sense of who you are, which leads to healthier relationships, when you aren’t carrying other people’s baggage.
“TODAY, I WILL WORK AT DEVELOPING A CLEAR SENSE OF WHAT BELONGS TO ME AND WHAT DOESN’T. IF IT’S NOT MINE, I WON’T KEEP IT. I WILL DEAL WITH MYSELF, MY ISSUES, AND MY RESPONSIBILITIES. I WILL TAKE MY HANDS OFF WHAT IS NOT MINE.”
– Melodie Beattie
If you would like help letting go, reach out for a free consultation today. (817)401-3940
*Language of Letting Go, by Melodie Beattie
