Bravely Looking Inward
AS A COUNSELOR, I BELIEVE IT IS MY JOB TO HELP MY CLIENTS HELP THEMSELVES.
I always tell my clients that I am not here to “fix” them or their problems. I am here to help them navigate their particular struggles, whether those struggles are relationship issues, depression, anxiety, trauma, grief, or life in general. I serve as a compassionate listener, guide and teacher, to help my clients learn and develop new/different ways of coping, thinking and relating to their issues and to the people in their lives.
As the world has gotten more hectic, more dangerous, and more focused on self, the need for counseling has become more necessary and more accessible than ever. It seems people are starting to recognize that there is no shame in taking the time and energy to explore one’s life, and to focus on healing areas that need tweaking in order to work better. Of course , there are still many people who are skeptical or hesitant to go to counseling for various reasons. I think oftentimes, people have misconceptions about what the counseling or therapy process is like.
Some misconceptions I have heard about counseling include the belief that counseling or therapy is only for people with “serious” mental illness; “Counseling will make things worse”; “I’ll be seen as weak”; “I’ll be judged”. Counseling, by nature, is the opposite of those things. While certainly counseling is important for serious mental illness, most people come to counseling because of daily life stress which is causing anxiety and/or depression, because of relationship issues, because of old emotional wounds that were never healed, because of past and current traumas, and often, they come because they need/want an impartial person to just listen. The very act of saying something out loud without fear of judgment can be very cathartic.
While things can sometimes feel worse before they feel better in counseling, it’s important to understand that that feeling may be part of the process, but is only temporary when we trust the process. When we stuff our emotions and pretend nothing is wrong, ignoring what we are feeling, eventually those emotions will come out of hiding. That can look different for different people, but often it looks like (or is) depression, anxiety, panic attacks, anger and/or relationship issues. When we shine a light on the problems we ignored or pushed away, it can be hard at first. But the wonderful thing about having a counselor is that you will learn ways to handle the hard stuff—you will have tools that you didn’t have before and a guide, coach and teammate to help you through. Sometimes we have to shine a light on the nooks and crannies that hide our secrets, guilt, and shame, because exposing them in a safe environment helps take away their power.
The idea that going to counseling means one is weak is a fallacy. Nothing is further from the truth. It takes courage and strength to face your problems. Brene’ Brown talks about how vulnerability is actually courage. She’s right. When you make the decision to work on yourself, you are actively participating in your life and growing stronger just by scheduling that first appointment. Being willing to face hard stuff isn’t weakness— it is strength.
Feeling is living.
As for being judged, I look at every client through the eyes of Carl Rogers, who was a famous counseling theorist, who said that every client should be treated with “unconditional positive regard”. I take that very seriously. Think about what that means: UNCONDITIONAL-no hidden agenda, motives or judgment; POSITIVE REGARD: valuing you as a person and holding you in high regard because you matter. I value your worth because of who you are and because you are human. It is not my role to judge. It is my role to listen, to validate, to guide, to teach and to help you feel seen, heard and valued. Isn’t that what we all want— to be seen, heard and valued?
What does a counseling/therapy session look like? That depends on the counselor and their approach and personality. That’s why it’s so important to make sure the counselor/therapist you choose to work with is someone with whom you feel comfortable. The counselor/client relationship is one of, if not the most important aspect of counseling. Before you schedule with someone, talk to that counselor to see if he or she is a good fit for you. Ask questions like: What is her counseling style? Is she directive or less structured? Does she have experience with your particular issues? If the conversation goes well and it feels good, give it a few sessions before you decide to switch. Be open with the counselor if something doesn’t fit with you or you prefer a different approach. I always tell my clients that if something isn’t working for them, it’s not working for me. We need to remember that we are on the same team so we must be open with each other and work together. We can’t know what we don’t know. That is another reason why the client/therapist relationship is so important – you must feel and believe that you have a confidential ally in whom you can fully trust and be vulnerable with when you are ready.
In my counseling practice, relationship is everything. I believe in making sure my clients know they are valued and that it is a safe, confidential place for them to say whatever is on their minds, knowing I always have their back and best interest at heart. Typically the first few sessions are about rapport building, getting to know each other and giving the client the space to tell his or her story at the pace he/she is comfortable with. I incorporate several types of therapy such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help change negative thinking and learn ways to reframe negative self talk, talk therapy, EMDR (trauma processing), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) for emotion regulation, and attachment based therapy such as Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy (DNMS) which is often used prior to EMDR, but can be used alone to help people heal from childhood attachment wounds. I take a very relational, relaxed approach with just the right amount of levity when appropriate. It’s important that my clients feel relaxed and comfortable.
Counseling involves the work of both the therapist and the client. It can only be successful when there is a strong client/therapist alliance and when both parties are fully engaged and participating. When that occurs, miracles can happen. It is my belief that EVERYONE can benefit from counseling. If you are thinking about it, then take that step and try it. You may be surprised at what you learn about yourself and how much better you feel.
Reasons to Go to Therapy (thanks to @nedratawwab on Instagram)
-You won’t hear things like “It’s gonna be okay. I know how you feel, you will get over it.
-You get an entire hour {session} to talk about whatever you want guilt free
-Saying things out loud helps you understand them in a different way
-A therapist helps you develop insight and coping skills.
-There is no competition in dialogue. A therapist won’t talk about their problems and make those problems bigger than yours.
I would love to help you on your journey to a better, happier, healthier you. Let’s walk in the light together towards your brighter future! Contact me for a free consultation today. I look forward to hearing from you!
