Give yourself grace
by Cherilyn Schutze, MEd., LPC
Have compassion for yourself. This process is difficult and worth it!
Self compassion/grace is like the Golden Rule in reverse: Do unto yourself as you would do unto others when it comes to allowing yourself to make mistakes, to feel your feelings, and to release self judgment.
Take a moment and think about how you talk to yourself.
Do you tend to criticize, blame, and/or judge yourself and your thoughts, feelings and actions?
This type of thinking involves cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are ways of thinking that are often inaccurate or false and can lead to psychological problems. There are many types of cognitive distortions that affect our sense of self and well-being. The ones I would like to focus on here are emotional reasoning (believing feelings are facts, such as “I feel guilty, so I must be at fault.”), personalization (taking things personally and assigning blame to yourself without logical reasoning or evidence-similar to emotional reasoning), and one of the most common cognitive distortions—Shoulds (beliefs or statements about what you “should, ought or must” do, which often lead to guilt and disappointment in ourselves when we “can’t” live up to them). This is self judgment, which leaves no room for grace.
Now think about how you talk to your friends.
Would you be as hard on them as you are on yourself?
Whenever my clients tell me they are judging themselves, (Or when I recognize it by their language—using “shoulds”, “It’s my fault”, “What’s wrong with me? “I’m not good enough” types of statements) I typically ask them three questions:
How is it serving them?
Is it helping them feel better?
Would they feel the same way if it was someone they loved who was saying, thinking, doing the same thing?
Oftentimes we are not aware of how much or even that we are judging ourselves. This negative self talk leads to insecurity, low self esteem, and difficulty persevering through difficulties because we end up not trusting our ability to get through the hard stuff. This can cause us to become overwhelmed and/or stuck, unable to move forward with our lives, because our negative thoughts are saying things like “I can’t” or “I’m not good enough”.
This is where grace comes in.
Grace is defined as:
noun :: courteous goodwill: politeness; good manners; civility. decorum: decency; propriety; respect; consideration; thoughtfulness; tact; diplomacy
verb :: honor or credit to (someone or something) by one's presence
After reading this definition, ask yourself if you are giving yourself grace by honoring, respecting, and being thoughtful and considerate towards yourself. If the answer is no, I challenge you to start paying attention to your thoughts. Are they helpful or hurtful? Notice how often you judge yourself. You may be surprised. Once you’ve begun to notice and label your negative self-talk, try to re-frame it by saying the opposite. For example, if you are thinking, “I’m not good enough”, re-frame with “I am good enough”. Research shows that just the act of re-framing, changes your brain and creates new, more positive connections and pathways. You don’t even have to believe your re-frame yet (You’ll get there through consistent practice). You just have to say it. You’ll be surprised at the difference in how you feel if you do this throughout your day--every day.
Having self compassion and grace isn’t about being self-centered. It’s about being human and recognizing your humanity. I was once told, “God doesn’t make junk”. We can’t heal if we don’t give ourselves the compassion and grace to forgive ourselves for our mistakes, and allow ourselves the space to move forward. Make today the day you start moving forward, judging less, having more self compassion and giving yourself grace.
REMEMBER TO ASK YOURSELF THESE 3Q’S WHEN YOU RECOGNIZE SELF-JUDGMENT:
Is this serving me? Am I feeling better by thinking this way? Would I say this to a friend or a loved one?
If you or someone you know is struggling with low self esteem, or difficulty moving forward, reach out. Part of giving yourself grace is recognizing when to ask for help and doing it.
“When we are mindful of our struggles, and respond to ourselves with compassion, kindness, and support in times of difficulty, things start to change.”
- Kristin Neff & Christopher Germer
