Anxiety: Power in Acceptance

by Cherilyn Schutze

MEd., LPC, CCATP, CGC, EMDR Trained, DNMS Trained

At its core, anxiety is often characterized by a cycle of avoidance and an attempt to control thoughts, feelings, and situations in order to reduce anxious feelings. Research has shown that continually avoiding or pushing these feelings away, can strengthen anxiety and lead to an inability to feel pleasant feelings. This, in turn, can lead to psychological inflexibility and to getting stuck in an endless loop of worry and rumination. Anxiety is about control. The more we try to control anxiety, the more we are controlled by it. 


ANXIETY IS A COMMON EXPERIENCE THAT CAN TAKE MANY FORMS, SUCH AS GENERALIZED ANXIETY, PHOBIAS, OCD AND PANIC.

The good news is, we can learn to live with anxiety and not be defined by it. Using mindfulness (staying in the present) and thought diffusion (distancing ourselves from our thoughts), anxiety can become a partner, instead of an adversary. We accomplish this by learning to be fully present in the moment and by staying in what feels uncomfortable, in order to accept and move through it. Allowing ourselves to move through anxious thoughts and feelings teaches the brain that we can diffuse the thoughts and that they are not a threat.

When we are in the midst of “suffering”, it’s easy to over-identify with our problems and have difficulty recognizing and accepting reality. The reality of anxiety is that thoughts and feelings are not facts. I often remind my clients that just because we think something, doesn’t mean it’s true. We can have a more fulfilling life when we are able to change our focus and create distance between us and the anxiety.  Distance means allowing space between our “self” and  our thoughts–in other words, not defining who we are by the anxiety we experience. The more we run from (or avoid) something, often the harder it is to get distance from it. If I tell you, “Don’t think about a white bear”, what image do you immediately have in your head? Trying to avoid anxiety can actually increase it: creating anxiety about the anxiety. What tends to happen is that the anxiety is no longer about the original “problem”, but more about the anxiety itself.

Through Radical Acceptance, we begin to recognize that a situation is what it is. That we don't have to like it, and that we can’t control it, therefore, we accept what is not in our control. There can be freedom in knowing that we don’t have control of the situation and thus don’t have to work so hard. Acceptance means accepting reality as it is “in the moment.”

“In the moment” is a key phrase. Anxiety tries to predict the future and tells us that the worst case scenario will likely happen. When we embrace Radical Acceptance, we are accepting ourselves and our emotions as they are, right now, without judgment. (Without judgment is very important.) Being “in the moment” is self compassion. When we have compassion, we let go of judgment. This self compassion reduces the need for control.


How can we get to Radical Acceptance?

How can we get to Radical Acceptance? We can do this by using mindfulness (staying present focused) and creating distance between our thoughts and our identity. Often when anxiety is present, we not only feel emotional and cognitive symptoms, but physical symptoms as well. This combination can feel big and out of control. That’s where the rumination and internal dialogue begin and what keeps anxiety going. When we have an anxious thought like a “what if “ scenario, for example, anxiety pushes us to worry, ruminate, and “think” continuously. It’s the brain’s attempt to problem solve. Anxiety tells us that if we think about something enough we will be prepared, or find a solution, to prevent us from feeling what we are trying to avoid. But what typically ends up happening is that we get into an argument with ourselves and feel those feelings anyway. 

Where do our thoughts come from? - Certainly we can be influenced by external things, but the thoughts themselves come from within. We often make a value judgment about our thoughts and give them meaning. Once we’ve given a thought meaning, the argument begins. If it is your own brain creating the thought, then who are you arguing with? Yourself. If you are arguing with yourself, who will “win” the argument? The answer is- there is no winner. 

So how do we stop arguing with ourselves?

So how do we stop arguing with ourselves? Again, we use mindfulness, which means staying in the moment, noticing what we are thinking and feeling, labeling these thoughts and feelings, then accepting them without judgment. For example, if you have a thought, “What if I never get a job?” Then your brain will likely try to go down the trail of all the scenarios (often scary scenarios) of what “could” happen. You then believe the possible is probable and even fact. That creates a loop where you have the internal argument, the judgment, the scared feelings- the physical sensations, which then creates more anxious thoughts and the cycle continues. Instead of running head on down the worry trail, try to create some distance between you and your thoughts. Recognize that you are having a thought, that the thought is not fact and notice what you are feeling. Ex: “What if I never get a job?” vs “I’m noticing that I’m having the thought that I will never get a job.” See how that is different from “I’ll never get a job!” It is no longer personal.This change in behavior (actively distancing self from the thought) and thought, creates space to then notice that the thought is just that—a thought that you have given meaning to and is not dangerous. Because you are the one assigning meaning, you get to be the one to decide whether or not to give it meaning. The thought comes from you, therefore you don’t have to argue with yourself. 

Giving yourself space to see the anxious thoughts for what they are, instead of automatically believing and giving meaning to them, allows you room to begin to accept anxiety, to not be afraid of it and to not be controlled by it. Learning acceptance and committing to change is a big step towards a more fulfilling life in which you get to make choices, instead of anxiety making choices for you. 

Anxiety is a normal and natural part of life. By learning to manage anxiety through techniques such as thought diffusion (distancing), Radical Acceptance,and mindfulness, we can learn to live with anxiety in a way that allows us to pursue our values and goals in life.

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