We Must Be Where We ARE To Get Where We Want TO BE
by Cherilyn Schutze
MEd., LPC, CCATP, CGC, EMDR Trained, DNMS Trained
Many of us struggle with staying present in our day-to-day lives, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that the difficulty increases when we are experiencing anxiety, grief, trauma, or depression.
Anxiety is the brain’s attempt to control outcomes, like perceived danger, or negative feelings.. While anxiety can stand alone , it is often a component of trauma, grief and depression.
When we are in the midst of struggle, it can be difficult to bring our attention to the present moment. Our brains can deceive us into believing that we can think our way through the anxiety – maybe if we worry enough, plan enough, prepare for every possible outcome, then we can avoid our negative feelings or consequences. By focusing on future “what if’s” we limit ourselves and our ability to handle the very thing or things we are worrying about.
If we are living in the past or the future, we are missing everything that is here, right now.
In order for us to move through these struggles, we must work on noticing and feeling the present moment. We can do this by acknowledging our feelings and practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness involves being present-focused, noticing our thoughts, feelings, body sensations, and environment as it is in the now. We do this by cultivating curiosity without judgment. We must be where we are, in order to get where we want to be. If we are focusing on the past, we are living in the past. If we are worrying about the future, we are living in the future. When we are not present, we miss out on experiencing the fullness of life today. We cannot change the past. It has already happened. It’s important to look at the past, to learn from it and apply those lessons to our present experiences. It’s good to plan for the future, but not stay in worry, trying to control the future. We have no way to be certain about what’s out in front of us. What we do have is today, and the choice to make the most of it.
How can we use mindfulness to help us be present?
We can cultivate a sense of curiosity without judgment. By letting go of judgment, we open up space for grace, and strengthen our ability to cope with difficult issues. It’s been shown that most of what we worry about doesn’t happen. Anxiety is cunning– it tricks us into thinking that our worrying prevents the outcome we are afraid of, and further tricks us into believing that we will be prepared for worst case scenarios. That simply isn’t true. Our thoughts don’t have that much power. Worrying does not change outcomes. So when you find that you are worrying, notice it, acknowledge it and be curious.
That might look something like this:
“I’m noticing that I’m worrying. What led to this worry? What am I thinking? What do I feel in my body? How is this serving me? What can I learn from this?”
Note that there is no judgment in those questions. One way to determine if you are judging yourself is to pay attention to the words you use. Are you using “shoulds” and “whys”? See if you can tell the difference in these 2 examples:
“I shouldn’t _________” as opposed to “I notice that when I _________ I felt uncomfortable”
“Why did I ______” as opposed to “I wonder what led to my doing ________”
Once you’ve asked yourself questions without judgment, pay attention to “when” you are. Are you in the past, worrying about something that can’t be changed? Are you in the future, ruminating on the what if’s of what may or may not happen? If the answer is yes to either of these questions, bring yourself back to the present. Try one of these tools when you need to come back to this moment:
Use grounding techniques such as 5 senses grounding – Use your five senses to notice what’s in your environment. Notice details. What colors are in the space you are in? What does the chair you are sitting in feel like? Is it soft or firm? Is it comfortable? What makes it comfortable or not? What does the upholstery feel like? What can you hear? Are there birds chirping? Is the wind blowing? Can you hear traffic or music? Are there any smells? What do they smell like? Can you taste anything? Be very detailed in your descriptions to yourself.
Use thought diffusion. This puts distance between you and your thoughts. “I’m noticing that I’m having a thought that something bad will happen.”, as opposed to “Something bad is going to happen.” Our words have power. So choose words that lift you up and encourage you. We may not get to choose what thoughts pop into our heads, but we do get to choose what we do with those thoughts.
Do a body scan. Notice what you are feeling physically at this moment. Are you taking shallow breaths? Is your heart racing? Are you experiencing numbness or tingling? Are you feeling tightness in your chest or tension in your muscles?
Try deep breathing — Place your hand on your stomach and breathe in slowly through your nose for a count of 4-6. Try to breathe deeply into your diaphragm. You will feel your hand rise on your stomach when you are doing this. (If your chest or shoulders rise, you are not breathing into your diaphragm.) Hold your breath for a count of 4 or 5. Breath out slowly, like blowing out a candle, for a count of 6-8 (make the exhale longer than the inhale). This serves to bring you to the present in your body, releasing stress, dissipating stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline and bringing oxygen to all your organs, relieving physical symptoms and releasing tension, creating a sense of calm.
By practicing mindfulness, you will cultivate inner peace, openness and acceptance of what is and what is not in your control, recognizing that you don’t have to work so hard.
If you are struggling to be present focused and keep anxiety in check, reach out. I would love to work with you to help you find peace, and learn to live fully in today.
