Isolation and Grief
THE WORD ISOLATION COMES FROM THE LATIN WORD “SOLUS” MEANING “BY ONESELF, ALONE.” IT TURNS OUT THERE IS IRONY IN THAT WORD.
by Cherilyn Schutze
MEd., LPC, CCATP, CGC, EMDR Trained, DNMS Trained
4-minute read
We often think of isolation as a bad thing –but, isolation isn’t always negative. There can be wonderful lessons in isolation if we allow ourselves the space to listen to that still small voice within, the whispers of God, and to just “be” in our circumstances.
In my last blog I shared about how I so desperately wanted a rulebook to follow to “do” grief “right”. What I had to learn is that it isn’t about “doing”. It’s about “being”.
THERE IS ISOLATION IN GRIEF.
This was very difficult for me at first because I was never a person who liked to be alone and I wanted to “do” something to make the grief better; to not feel so alone; to get through it; to not feel it. Nobody can feel it for you. People can empathize, and sympathize, but nobody can truly feel the depth of your pain, because it is unique to each person and to each relationship. Others can, however, be a witness or companion to our grief. In fact David Kessler says that it is very important to have others sit with us in our pain, witnessing it— not trying to fix it or own it, but allowing us to experience our emotions and pain with the help of their empathy, compassion and validation.
It’s important to recognize however, that even with many loving, supportive witnesses, we can still feel alone and isolated after the loss of a loved one. That can be a very normal reaction.
Recognize it. Label it. Validate it.
Having lost my husband to cancer 9 years ago, I have experienced that isolation. I was left with the heartbreak of losing half of myself and watching my girls grieve the loss of their father. Through our witnessing for each other, and friends and family witnessing for us, we were able to move to a place of acceptance of both missing him and appreciation— a place that in the beginning, we never thought we’d be. It took time and patience with ourselves and with the process. Patience in grief is very important.
In the early part of my grief journey, there was so much fear--fear of feeling the enormity of the pain; fear of acknowledging what my new life would look like without my life partner and best friend; fear of what my girls’ lives would look like without their father; fear of where this new road would lead us, and deep sadness for what would never be. I cried oceans of tears in the hospital, watching my soul mate, my best friend, my partner in life, die. It was an agonizing pain that I felt to the core of my being. But when I came home from the hospital-alone in my grief, yet surrounded by people, I was afraid of the pain– afraid that if I let myself feel it anymore, I would never come out of it, afraid that my heart would literally break. I then felt as though I was in a bubble– living with one foot in the material world out of necessity, and one foot in the spiritual world, inside my grief. Nobody could enter my bubble. I was all alone in there, even though I was enveloped by wonderful, loving, caring people. I had to be in that bubble – alone, isolated – it was part of my grieving process. And in that process, I grew. I grew spiritually. I learned to listen and to be. I learned that I can be alone. I’ve never been a person who liked to be by myself. I’ve always been surrounded by friends and family. But I changed. I learned to appreciate the quiet. Loneliness evolved into solitude. And now, that solitude is peace.
There are many references in the bible about isolation and loneliness. Many of them refer to being separated from God. I never felt separated from God. It’s only because of my faith, that I have been able to withstand the overwhelming grief. However, I did feel separated from the world in which I was living. I felt alone. The bible teaches us to use that alone time to listen and to learn. Matthew 14:23 states, “After he had sent the crowds away, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray; and when it was evening, He was there alone.” Mark 1:35 – "Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.”
It is that solitary place that I have now reached. I pray and listen throughout my day. In this place I have learned to trust in what God has planned for me, not in what I have planned, and to be patient in my trials. I have learned to try to be present and live each day for that day. Death no longer holds a place of fear for me. I have learned that even while I’m alone, I am not isolated. While I will always love being surrounded by my friends and family, I’ve learned to appreciate the solitary place to which isolation has led me.
GRIEF IS A PART OF LIFE. WE WILL ALL EXPERIENCE IT.
The best way to experience it, is to allow yourself to experience it— push through the fear and let yourself feel, and let others be witnesses to your grief.
After 9 years, I can truly say that I am in a place I never thought I would be in my grief. I have moments of sadness, but that sadness is often turned to joy and gratitude for the many years my husband and I had together, for the family we created, and for the lessons about grief, love, peace, solitude, and the return of joy that are byproducts of living, loss and loving.
So try to remember these things if/when you are grieving:
Grief is a process, not a destination with an endpoint. Be patient with yourself and the process.
Grief doesn’t have a rulebook. Grief is yours to experience by your rules.
Give yourself space and permission to feel. The only way through grief is through it.
There may be moments of isolation. Trust the process– isolation in this sense can lead to growth and healing.
Allow others to be witnesses to your grief. It can be a gift for you and for them.
Be present, allowing yourself to “be” and try letting go of “doing”.
Recognize your grief and isolation,
Label your grief and the feelings associated with it
Validate your feelings– they are valid because you have them
TRUST YOURSELF AND THE PROCESS
FOR OFT, WHEN ON MY COUCH I LIE
IN VACANT OR IN PENSIVE MOOD,
THEY FLASH UPON THAT INWARD EYE
WHICH IS THE BLISS OF SOLITUDE;
AND THEN MY HEART WITH PLEASURE FILLS,
AND DANCES WITH THE DAFFODILS.
from “I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud” by William Wordsworth
If you need help moving through a period grief, please reach out.
